


Stargazer

by NanakiBH



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hope, Love, M/M, Melancholy, Nihilism, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:49:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7461852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's no meaning to life but the one you give it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stargazer

**Author's Note:**

> I want Komaeda to be happy.

Carried by the wind, surrounding him gently, the fragrant scent of lilies reached him. Strong yet sweet like bubblegum, their scent felt familiar, but he couldn't recall seeing any on the island. The thought was casually discarded as he turned his eyes to the night sky and watched as its midnight blue overtook the lingering pink embers of dusk at the horizon.

There was a cold sweat over his brow, but, just like that, he could ignore the dangerous, restless thoughts that lurked at the back of his mind. As long as he kept his eyes forward and his chin held up, he couldn't see the things that were waiting behind him.

Whether anything in front of him were real, he couldn't say.

He was sweating for some reason.

He just had to stay there. Despite his luck, not once in his life could he have said he was happy – except for those days he spent there, oblivious and unaware and with him. There may have been a time once, long, long in the past, from an innocent time he couldn't recall any longer. Even when the worst was pushed out of his mind, there were things that remained; remnants of horrific events that would've surely shattered a normal person.

There were too many things he lost. For every precious, intangible thing he lost, another bill was placed in his hand, like luck was rewarding him for surviving the heartbreak or just paying him off to deal with it. He clung strongly to hope, but even he knew it was foolish to place his trust in anything that made him happy. If only he had his memories at that time, he may have just killed him...

No. Even then...

Even then, he was sure he would have placed his hope in him.

He was too interesting. He shined too brightly. When he looked at him, that was all he wanted. No physical wealth could repay him if that brilliance vanished from his sight, he knew. He even told him that without saying as much, hoping that it would tie them together. If he lost him too, there wouldn't be enough money in the world to buy back the happiness he'd found.

But...

Even that had been taken away from him. There was a part of him that remembered even if the rest of him was fighting to forget.

And so, the only happiness he could hold on to was the kind he built himself, there, in that place where they truly met for the first time, where he entrusted him with his fragile fragments of hope.

Standing on the beach, staring at the sky, he wondered where those fragments had gone – if they'd become like the stars, if they'd been lost somewhere among their numbers. If he squinted, he thought there were a few that shined a little more brightly than the others, but even if he reached out his hand, they were too far away to retrieve.

He didn't need them anymore. Hope itself was... too fragile. If its pieces could be dashed and scattered so easily, then he didn't need them. Everything he needed was already inside of him; everything outside was destined to break eventually, so he'd push it away. He'd keep pushing, farther and farther until he was secluded deep within himself, away from the light of hope, huddled close to the gentle despair that kindly showed his eyes what they wanted to see.

Yes, him.

Hinata, by his side.

It didn't matter where hope had gone as long as he could hoard his smile all to himself. Memories had taken him away, but memories could reconstruct what was missing. Torn apart and stitched-together as it was, he could happily delude himself with the memory of that smile until he died. It wasn't worth risking a second chance at living outside of himself if he would never encounter such a feeling ever again. He needed to stay there so he could protect it and never forget.

He thought he could still hear his voice. Would Hinata have punished him if he knew what he was doing now...? Would he have finally realized he wasn't worth his time?

The scent of lilies kept him floating in a peaceful place, only a mild sting of anxiety marring that dreamlike place's otherwise perfect atmosphere. Under the endless stars, he'd walk upon the sand with him, leaving no footprints behind. Just by his side, holding in his words, embracing his broken feelings, waiting. Waiting for something, but never expecting anything.

Just there.

_“Komaeda.”_

Hearing someone say his name that way... He really wasn't worthy.

“Komaeda.”

His eyes were already open, but it felt like he was waking up from a dream, his body heavy, feeling half-asleep, one foot still on the beach in his memory, the other on a hospital bed. He never wanted to go back to reality, but the tide was already pulling away without him, leaving him stranded somewhere unfamiliar.

Beside him, there was Hinata. But it wasn't really Hinata.

There was no night sky. No stars. Just white walls painted with the rusty hues of twilight.

“Hm? Y-you're looking this way. Does that mean you heard me this time?” He looked nervous and awkward, his eyes darting around. Even though he just got his attention, Hinata seemed too nervous to keep it, like he didn't know what to say once he was listening. “I've been trying to get your attention for days. I heard that you attacked a nurse when they tried to get you to respond. There were no injuries, but she was really shaken up. Do you remember doing that?”

He did that? ...It should've been a bad thing that he couldn't remember doing something like that, but it also meant that he was doing an excellent job of ignoring reality. In just a few seconds, he could probably go right back to where he left off, following the Hinata of his memories along the quiet beach.

“Anyway, I brought some magazines this time,” Hinata said, setting the armful he was carrying down on the small table next to the bed. Without asking, he pulled over a chair from nearby and sat down beside him. “I figure you might just be lacking stimuli or something. You were in that pod for a long time, so it would make sense if you need to regain your land legs, so to speak.” He placed his hands in his lap, one over the other. “It just... feels weird not to hear you speak. I thought for sure that you would have things you'd want to say to me.”

Contrary to Hinata's expectations, Komaeda didn't hesitate to speak.

“I want you to get lost.”

At first surprised, Hinata's expression gradually changed into something irritatingly smug, like he'd actually been expecting him to say that. “Ah. So I'm talking to _that_ Komaeda.”

“'That' Komaeda? The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Straightening his back, he narrowed his eyes, wishing he could shoot his stare through his eye sockets like a bullet. Like he thought, he wasn't going to get along with _that_ Hinata. As far as he was concerned, Hinata had it backwards.

Rather than answer, Hinata picked himself up and got out of the chair. With a sure step, he made a short trip across the room, walking in front of the bed to reach the window sill where he picked up a vase of flowers.

“I brought these for you a couple days ago. Did you notice them? It looks like the ones that were closed are starting to open now.” Carefully carrying it with both hands, he returned to his chair and placed the vase next to the magazines. “They told me I'm visiting you too much, seeing as how you haven't even been responsive, but I can't help it. Even if it makes me sound full of myself, I thought I might be the only one who would be able to get through to you. I thought that flowers this pretty might appeal to the other side of you, since you always enjoyed beautiful things.”

What point was he trying to make? If Komaeda didn't know better, he might've been flattered by that gesture, but instead it looked more like a bribe for his attention.

“It's like you didn't hear me. I told you to get lost. I don't have the breath to be wasting on talentless garbage who's even more useless than me. The sooner you leave me alone, the sooner I can forget about you.”

He attacked a nurse, did he? Anything could be a weapon if he was creative enough. If Hinata didn't feel like getting his brains splattered by that precious vase he brought, it would've been wise for him to shut up and walk away soon.

Hinata would be a lot nicer if he weren't talking. Didn't matter if they found him covered in his blood and kneeling over his corpse. They could do what they wanted with him since he was dead enough already.

For a moment, mouth set in a straight line, Hinata stared at him, his eyes cold in a way that Komaeda didn't recognize. There was something familiar about that look, but not on Hinata's face. It was like he was drifting away from him, becoming more like somebody else. It reminded him of...

“Oh yeah. I guess there are some things you don't know yet. I'll have to fill you in,” Hinata said, that expression unwavering. It wasn't like him at all. It was kind of frightening. There was some kind of intimidating, overwhelming aura emanating from him and assaulting him in waves. Komaeda heard every word he said, but his tone sounded like it was sending him a warning to not look down on him. “You must've been really surprised by the things you read in that file you got from Monokuma, but that file didn't have everything in it. It may have awoken some of your memories, but there must be some things you're still forgetting.”

“You...” He remembered. “You're...”

“Hinata Hajime.”

No, that wasn't right. That vacant, bored expression... There was no doubt about it. He remembered seeing that face. He remembered meeting him on that boat and being met with that severe young man's harsh indifference.

“Liar. You aren't Hinata-kun.”

He blinked very slowly. “I may have been a Reserve Course student, but don't you think it's a little rude to judge me like that without even knowing me?” Those pupils that stared at him held him in their sights like crosshairs. Komaeda didn't remember Hinata's eyes ever reflecting a light so dark. “And what's with that attitude? I thought you didn't want to talk to Hinata. You were a liar, not a hypocrite. Do you want me to act naïve?”

Whoever was speaking, he still didn't sound like Hinata. Komaeda didn't know what to believe. He felt confused. Their one-sided conversation was wearing him out. He felt exhausted.

So he just didn't answer. He was too afraid of finding out how much of him had changed, and he didn't want to know, so he thought it would be better to dive back inside and forget. That easily, he could push him away again and forget he was there. Maybe luck would take mercy on him and bestow upon him a new reason to have hope – anything, as long as it wasn't Hinata.

...But wasn't he what he wanted?

No matter how he looked at him, the person next to him didn't seem like the Hinata he cherished, but suddenly his memories felt insufficient. His disgustingly co-dependent self couldn't get enough after hearing his voice. A part of him was crying. It didn't matter what he said or how he sounded or who he was – he was so hungry... He was starving...

His voice wouldn't come out. His shoulders were shaking. He wanted to cling to something – anything – but only old, unfulfilling memories and unfulfilled aspirations came to mind. Even the one person he used to cling to with every ounce of his devotion and hatred was gone and he felt so far away from her that it was impossible to even grasp her memory without it slipping away from him as well.

Hanging his head, clenching his teeth so hard that they made an unpleasant sound, he clasped his hands together over the sheets.

He clasped his hands together.

He clasped his hands.

 

He clasped...

 

“Huh...?” He held up his left hand. “Huh...? Huh? Huh? Huh? Look at that.” Even when he waved his arm in front of his face, he didn't see anything. “Where'd it go?”

Was that why he'd been sweating? It would've been nice if that were the only reason, but he had a terrible feeling that it was because of everything. There wasn't a single thing that felt right in the world around him. Reality looked a lot crueler than he remembered.

“You don't remember that, either? You gave verbal permission to have it removed. I heard that you even acted relieved about it. It really had become like a part of you, but it was still dead weight and I'm sure its presence wouldn't have been any good for your recovery, so it's best that it's gone.”

Komaeda clutched the place where it had been instead; the thin layer of flesh pulled over bone that was neatly hidden beneath white gauze. “Wh-what gives you the right to assume that?!”

“What's done is done. After you've been all stitched up and healing, I don't think they would put it back on, so just forget about it.” His voice sounded more calm, like he was trying to make him relax, even though the things he said were so blunt. There was a short pause and a somewhat sad feeling crossed his features. “I did a lot of terrible things too. The only reason I have a talent now is because there was a time when I had zero self-preservation and thought it was fine to throw myself away as long as it made me useful. I'd like to forget I was ever like that... That person... That's not me.”

Something about what he said made Komaeda's insides quiver. Somewhere deep in his gut, he understood what Hinata was trying to say. The memory was still fresh in his head. He remembered cutting off his hand, measuring hers up, and sewing them together, but the thought of doing something like that after hearing what Hinata had to say made him feel sick. Back then, he did that proudly. He could've done it right there, right in front of Hinata.

Now, though he still wanted to cling to that hand, he also felt disappointed that he hadn't been the one to rip it off.

“Maybe I was... a hypocrite all along, Hinata-kun.”

Saying those words out loud was so painful, his ears couldn't even hear them.

Hinata's shoulders jumped slightly and his eyes widened with surprise. “You just called me 'Hinata-kun', didn't you?”

“Why do you look so happy about that? Knock it off.”

Hinata grinned. Leaning forward a little, he rested his elbow on his knee, his chin in his palm. “When you're like this, you aren't that hard to read. You were dying to talk to me after all, weren't you?”

Would it be bad if he agreed...?

“Shut up. That's not it.”

Why couldn't he ever be honest?

“Get lost already, will you?”

“Nah.” Hinata leaned back in his chair, making himself look comfortable. “Aren't you going to thank me for the flowers? You don't have to be rude.”

Komaeda had been trying so hard to ignore him that he hadn't really paid attention to the flowers. The vase was ordinary and unremarkable, but the flowers themselves were... indeed, very beautiful. White with a vivid pink splattering their delicate petals, each flower proudly looked heavenward. Komaeda wondered if Hinata had put them on the sill so that they could gaze at the sky.

Even from where he was sitting, he could smell their lovely fragrant scent...

“So that was it...” There were no flowers like those on the island in his memory. The lovely scent that had tenderly wrapped itself around him as he floated through his memories had been supporting him from the other side. “They really are beautiful. Th... Thank you, Hinata-kun. I'm hardly deserving of such a thoughtful gift.”

“Don't worry about it. I knew you'd like them. I mean... Whether or not you feel like you deserve it, I got them for you because I wanted to make you happy, so you could say I kind of did it for myself too.”

It was weird. He wasn't supposed to be Hinata-kun anymore. His profile said he was just a Reserve Course student. He wasn't supposed to have any talent. There wasn't any hope in a person like that.

But Hinata said he had talent. Even if he didn't show him, Komaeda could feel it coming from him, so powerful that it made him feel dizzy. That talent was hope itself. When he manipulated his own murder, he thought that he could ascend and become the ultimate hope, but that must have been impossible because the ultimate hope had been there all along. It had always been there, right in front of his face, but he'd let himself get blinded by the meaning of 'talent'.

Talented or not... Hinata-kun was... Hinata-kun was surely...

“I'm glad you seem to be coming around now,” Hinata said. All of that unsettling darkness from before faded away and he just looked relieved. “I realized that some of your lies were true. The you who smiled at me so kindly when we first met on the beach wasn't fake, and it didn't just disappear somewhere once you started to remember. That 'you' is still here.”

“Ah. So that's what you meant...” That must have been what Hinata had been talking about when he referred to him as 'that Komaeda'. In his own head, he couldn't make a distinction. Every part of his memory came together to form one solid person full of bad experiences and ordinary lies known as Komaeda Nagito. It must've been the same for Hinata, too. Even that other person appeared to be an inseparable part of him now, so...

It was pointless to wish for him to be anything else. As long as the vital parts that Komaeda desired still seemed to be within him, coexisting with all the undesirable parts, then he ceased to be 'this' Hinata, or 'that' Hinata. It was difficult to think that way, but he couldn't ignore that it was true. There was no way to return him to the way he was when they met on the island, so it was about time he turned around and saw him for everything he was.

It wasn't something he couldn't get used to, he thought.

“What were you thinking about all the times when you were staring at the wall?” Hinata asked.

“I wasn't looking at the wall,” Komaeda answered. That question was stupid. “I was looking at you.”

With a refreshingly unguarded look on his face, Hinata tilted his head. “Huh?”

“The island,” Komaeda said, clarifying. “I... wanted you to be you; the one who inspired that feeling of hope in me. I thought that if I took my eyes away, that 'you' would vanish. After all, as I am now, I could take a leap out the window and feel nothing. Without anything to have hope in, there's nothing else tethering me to this world. I probably wouldn't even have to jump – my mind could wander away on its own."

Hinata looked at him with an expression that Komaeda resented. A look of pity.

Or... Maybe that was what sympathy looked like.

“The world is still filled with despair, but we're doing our best here to correct it. I think that things might not be as bad as you expect if you allowed yourself another try. There's a place here for you now if you get better, and now...” Hinata stopped himself and his eyes searched Komaeda's for a moment. “She isn't here anymore. She won't stand in your way.”

“You say that like that's supposed to make me happy. You know what I really wanted, don't you? Didn't I tell you? I wanted to kill her. I wanted to do it myself. I was supposed to be the one to guide the ultimate hope into the world. Someone else stole that from me.”

Just saying it out loud made Komaeda's chest burn with a passionate feeling of rage. Reminding himself of the opportunity that he'd lost made so many other things seem worthless as a result. His hand was a casualty of that failed aspiration. If he couldn't kill her himself, then it had been for _nothing._ He didn't want to regret that. He didn't want to regret the decisions that brought him to where he was, even if he hated it there.

Hinata leaned forward slightly, eyes narrowing. “Nobody can die twice.”

“Can't they? I already died once and it was pretty simple. The second I opened my eyes and realized where I was, that death felt like a waste, though, so, at this point, I can't tell. I can't tell anymore what's better – living or pulling the plug on my existence. I don't think I'll be satisfied either way. I'm stuck.” He couldn't hear himself anymore, but he felt his lips moving. He wanted to cover his mouth, to stop himself before he could say too much, but one hand wasn't going to be enough to hold it all in. “I don't have anything. This is nothing but bad luck. I have nothing to dedicate myself to anymore."

He wanted to go back to that island. The despair outside was too cold. He could feel it already changing him, so, desperately, he wanted to grasp a hold of that part of himself that Hinata liked so that it couldn't be swept away.

“Komaeda, then... If you need to give yourself a reason, then why don't you dedicate yourself to me?”

“...Huh?” Slowly, Hinata's voice filtered in through the noise in Komaeda's head and reached his ears. Immediately, he was thrown into denial. There was no way Hinata could've meant that the way it sounded. “Th... That doesn't sound like the Hinata-kun I know. Isn't it irresponsible for you to say something like that?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “Yeah, probably. But I would rather not see you sitting here in this hospital bed, wasting away day by day.” When he glanced away, Komaeda followed his eyes to the window where the light of the setting sun still waited warmly at the sill. “I feel like I should apologize. You've been suffering this whole time, but I've actually been really happy. I'm sorry, Komaeda. I may have stolen some of your luck.”

“What do you mean?”

Sucking in a breath, brows pulled together, Hinata met his eyes, holding no hesitation. “The things you told me when we were alone for the last time stuck with me for a long time. I couldn't get your words out of my head. I found it hard to understand you, but I really wanted to, so when we found you in that warehouse...” He reached up, clutched his tie in one hand, the fabric crushed between his fingers. “Throughout that class trial, I kept thinking 'This isn't real', 'There has to be some kind of trick to it', looking for a way to deny what you did. In the end, I knew that it was you – I couldn't avoid the truth – but I couldn't understand why you would do that, even though I thought 'That's just like him'. Isn't that weird? What would make me think something like that if I didn't understand you?”

“Hinata-kun...?”

Yeah. That _was_ weird.

No one could understand someone like him.

“I don't, though. I don't understand you,” Hinata said, at first plunging Komaeda's expectations back into despair. “That was the conclusion I came to. And with that conclusion, I realized that I didn't have to understand you when you don't understand yourself. I don't understand myself, either.”

That was...

There was a sentiment too kind for him in those words. It had to be fake.

“Ah... Aha... So, what? Are you saying you want someone to lick your wounds with, is that it? It makes you feel better about yourself knowing that there's someone more disgusting and pathetic than you? You can keep your pity. I must have been wrong about you after all.”

The honest feeling shining there in Hinata's eyes made him want to hide away. It made him want to finally give up. It was hard to resist it.

“I'm saying... I would've been devastated if everything ended that way.”

Away...

“What?” Komaeda laughed bitterly, nearing hysterics. He felt unsettled and it was starting to show. “You can only take a joke so far.”

Away, away, away...

“That's why I'm apologizing. Because this 'joke' was my selfish wish to see you again.” Reaching out, he placed a hand on Komaeda's quivering shoulder. “You're still the you I remember – the you who remembers a specific Hinata Hajime. I would've just been happy to see you again, but this is a lot more than I expected, so wouldn't you call this 'super luck'?”

“Wh- Wh...” The breath had been stolen straight from his lungs. It was hard to speak. “You waited... for me...? For _me?_ This pathetic... waste of space? M-me...?”

“Even if you lost your memories from the island and were a different 'you', I would've still considered myself fortunate.”

That was where the joke needed to end. If it kept going, he was going to actually start believing it.

“Y-you're kidding. Really, you're still joking, right? Right? Hey, Hinata-kun, this isn't fair, you know? Even for me, this is too much. S-so please. Hey...”

Hinata looked dangerously serious about it, though. It looked like it was hard for him to get it out, his jaw clenched, his face turning a shade of red, but his eyes were fixed on him. “It's okay to devote yourself to me, Komaeda. It's easier for me to say things like this now even if it's embarrassing, so I'll say it.” He closed his eyes, took a breath before going on. “I want to talk with you more and see you smile again and hear you laugh, so if that's what you want, then please, stay here with me.”

There was no way that was possible. Those days were gone; one big illusion that had already passed, that existed only in the space of his own vacant head. None of that was going to come back. Anything that remained was just a transparent vestige of what it used to be

“...No.”

“Huh?”

Hinata must have not been expecting him to refuse. So presumptuous, it was frustrating. Such thin kindness wouldn't be enough to convince him. He couldn't...

“You don't mean that. It can't be that easy. Even if you say that, I'll end up thrown away again. You'll realize how difficult it is to be around someone like me and then I'll get thrown away again for sure. I'm just trouble waiting to happen. That's what everyone else says, so you'd be better off far away from me. After all...” Shit, he was still shaking. “I've never been so lucky.”

Gaze falling away, Hinata gave his shoulder a light squeeze before he sat back in his chair. “Bad things always happen to you before you receive your good luck, right? All things considered, don't you think the best luck would be the kind you had to die for?”

That made so much sense.

But it wasn't for him. It couldn't be.

His luck didn't work like that, did it? ...Did it? Wasn't it supposed to crush him? He couldn't escape that insidious feeling of dread, like something terrible was still yet to come, like they'd get struck by lightning or the building would explode or one of them would suffer a sudden heart attack. That was the kind of luck he had.

...But if the bad already came to him, then maybe.

Maybe there was hope.

It was enough to make him laugh. So he laughed, even if he couldn't control it. He kept laughing even as his heart pounded and his head swirled in confusion, even as wet tears poured down his cheeks. It was just unbelievable, really. The one thing he wanted was right there next to him. Even if it wasn't something he could hold, his lifetime's worth of bad luck had finally been cashed in for something of real value.

“F-forget what I said before, okay? I changed my mind,” Komaeda insisted, his voice coming out shaky as he finally turned and met Hinata's eyes head-on. Gripping the edge of the bed with his right hand, he willed himself to be as straightforward as Hinata. “The Hinata-kun who kept inviting me, who tried to understand me... I could devote everything to that 'you.'”

He couldn't believe he'd been so wrong. Only his precious Hinata could look at him and smile in such a gentle way. The part of him that wanted to doubt him was becoming a distant voice as he reached out with his own hand to grasp him.

With an embarrassed laugh, Hinata leaned in and met him halfway, wrapping his arms around his waist. Komaeda knew that he was probably holding him back too tightly, but he felt like he needed to. After all, he couldn't remember the last time anyone gave him permission to be that close. If he was going to let himself believe Hinata and accept it as a real opportunity, then he had to seize it with all he had.

Another little awful thought popped into his head.

Cheek awkwardly pressed to Hinata's shoulder, Komaeda tilted his head and looked up at him without letting go. “Hinata-kun, you know... You better not think twice about this. I don't think I could be held responsible for what I'd do.”

“Th-that sounds like a threat. I'll definitely question my decision if you start saying things like that,” Hinata said nervously. “I won't, though. I promise.”

Though he wouldn't admit it, Komaeda really enjoyed having his arms around him like that, and since he didn't know when he would get the chance to do that again, he held on to him for a little bit longer before he loosened his hold. It wouldn't be good if he acted too clingy. Even if it was probably obvious to Hinata, he still didn't want to look desperate, so he had to be the one to pull away first. Hinata looked at him strangely as he re-situated himself and laid down and put his hand over his chest.

“You look really happy now,” Hinata remarked, smiling with his brows together.

“I am. You're... You're definitely Hinata-kun. I always know how to pick 'em, so I shouldn't be surprised that we're here now – that you were the one who was strong enough to overcome despair in that world. You couldn't have done it without me, right? So it's all because of me too.” He was happy about that, but there were reasons why he could've been happier. Holding his chin, he let out a long, dramatic sigh. “I really wish I could've done it myself, though...”

Anxious to placate him, Hinata frantically waved his hands like he could push aside those burdensome thoughts for him. “It's fine, isn't it? You helped! So it's fine. We all made it out with your help!”

“I helped?” Komaeda asked, rolling over, propping himself up with his elbow to stare at him.

Thankfully, Hinata didn't look fooled by his straight-faced teasing. “Why're you asking? You're the one who said it!” Just a little flustered. Cute.

Ah... It was so good. It was like they'd gone right back to the way things had been. All of the awful things were still there too, but it suddenly felt a lot easier to ignore them when Hinata was there. That was how it had been then too, when he'd been so anxious to find out Hinata's talent and help him become their hope. He shouldn't have felt so surprised that it worked out in the end. It was a little bit of effort, a little bit of luck.

They lapsed into an uncommonly companionable sort of silence after that, but, all too soon, Hinata was pushing back his chair and standing. Before any words could reach Komaeda's lips, he was stopped by Hinata's paralyzing eyes. Pulling his jacket sleeve over his hand, Hinata bent and reached out, dragging his sleeve across Komaeda's cheek. “Your face is still a mess,” was his only excuse.

And with that, he turned to leave. Before he could make his escape, Komaeda grasped him by the arm.

Hinata looked at him.

“You...” Why did looking at him make him feel like a child? “When will I see you again?”

He must've been cooped up in there for too long. To Komaeda's exhausted eyes that saw him as if for the first time, Hinata looked very mature. Just looking at him made him feel like he'd been left in the dust.

“Later.”

That was some kind of promise. It meant a lot of things. Namely...

“When is 'later'? The sun's already almost...”

Tugging lightly, Hinata loosened himself from Komaeda's grasp, and their fingers brushing as they parted. With a sly smile to mask his embarrassment, Hinata finally turned on his heel and took his leave.

Once he was gone, Komaeda rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. A lot had happened in just a short span of time, so there were a lot of things for him to think about and process. Above everything else, however, there was Hinata; his face, his smile, his warm hands, the startlingly reassuring feeling that came from having his arms around him... All of it made his heart pound.

He felt another laugh coming on again.

That feeling was definitely love.

He should've known better than to question his luck. It always came back around in one way or another, so perhaps it had always been predestined that he would encounter a certain moment of good fortune that would make him happy for life, that would permanently fill him with hope and satisfy him. If his luck worked through a force outside of his own control, then it must have responded when it saw how earnest he was when he honestly expressed himself in front of Hinata.

At the time, he hadn't given it much thought, but he'd never been that way with anyone else. That must have been why Hinata had been so worried that 'that Komaeda' was gone.

It was the part of him that couldn't hold back that giddy laugh, the part that burst into a smile simply hearing Hinata's name. That part of him was hope. The thought that Hinata's hope might've been in love with his was a beautiful thought. He would gladly shatter himself once more if it meant that thought could be made real. He would do anything for it.

After he'd been laying there, not looking at the clock for however long, he got excited when the door opened. As quickly as he could, he dropped the smile off his face when he realized it was just a nurse coming to check on him. It wasn't anyone he recognized, but she acted nervous around him. To start with, she jumped when she saw him looking at her and then tip-toed into the room as though she were trying not to disturb him.

Her clipboard fell out of her hands when he spoke up to tell her that he was feeling well. He even asked her what she thought of the flowers sitting at his bedside. She was short and unshapely and her glasses looked about two sizes too big for her face, but she told him that she admired his flowers, so Komaeda decided that she was worthy of his trust for the time.

She didn't try to give him any strange injections or anything like that. Looking relieved that he was being cooperative, she just asked him some questions and checked his bandages, and then she was on her way, wishing him good night.

When she was long gone and he was alone, Komaeda sat up again. Even the sun had departed, leaving the small hospital room bathed in a somber blue. It was the kind of light that brought with it an atmosphere that inspired lethargy and melancholy, but, as easy as it could've been to sink into that mood, the scent of the lilies kept him afloat.

Pushing back the sheet, putting both feet on the floor, he took in a breath, mentally marking it as the first breath of a new existence. The first step was boring and exciting at the same time. It was simply one bare foot on a cold hospital floor, but that step felt unrestricted. Instead of a collar and chain, he was moved by something nameless and liberating.

He wanted to let the flowers resume their gazing, but it seemed like it would be troublesome to try to pick up the vase with only one hand, so he moved himself to where they'd been instead. Before sitting down, he looked down, out the window. For some reason, he was struck with a sense of déjà vu, the sight of the island from the hospital's second floor reminding him of the view he saw through the small, rectangular window of the funhouse.

Moreover, he felt embarrassed that he'd even considered jumping out that window without realizing he was only on the second floor. At worst, he would've stumbled away with a broken leg and then Hinata would've had every right to laugh at him.

It really wasn't that far, the distance between his feet and the ground. Everything had seemed so much farther away in his mind.

Even a thought like that made him fight tears. Telling himself it was fine, he sat on the sill where the vase had been and directed his eyes to the sky. That was when he realized that it didn't matter whether his feet where on the beach or on the hospital floor. In the cloudless sky, the stars shined with a clarity they couldn't achieve in his dreams.

The island looked a little different. From where he was sitting, he couldn't see the beach, and he wondered if it looked the same as before. Their footprints wouldn't be there, he was sure, but they still would be if he closed his eyes. It wasn't that they were fake... They really had been there. Just like Hinata. Just like him. The fact that both the visible and invisible could exist alongside each other within him made him realize how foolish he'd been for thinking the world was black and white.

There was a gentle knock at the door. Light crept into the room as the door was pushed open, revealing the silhouette of the one Komaeda had been waiting for.

“I'm back,” he said, quietly crossing the room. “I hope you didn't miss me too much.”

Komaeda found his chance to grin and tilted his head toward his shoulder. “Oh, of course I missed you. I missed you _so_ much. With each second you were gone, I could feel hope slipping farther and farther away.”

Or something.

It wasn't really a lie, though. It should've been, but it didn't feel like one once he said it.

Hinata watched him carefully before he joined him, sitting with him on the other side of the window sill. “You knew I'd come back,” he said, sounding absolutely certain. “You know I'm too invested in you.”

“Yeah, about that...” Even if Hinata made that sound like it was obvious, that was the part Komaeda still felt unsure of. No matter how hard he tried, it was difficult to believe that someone would voluntarily want to spend their time with him. Even if Hinata was right there in front of him without any strings attached. “Why...” No, he couldn't sound weak. He had to look Hinata in the eyes without flinching. “You'll regret this.”

He regretted his own words, but he couldn't control them.

“I'd regret leaving you alone far more. I'm worried that something bad will happen.”

“You're worried I'll hurt someone.”

Adamantly, Hinata shook his head to say that he was wrong. “No. Maybe it's because of how aloof you always seemed; that irritating attitude of yours. But... Something makes me want to prove my usefulness. An average amount pain, everyday accidents and little mistakes... I want to show you what a normal life is like by erasing your bad luck.”

There it was again. That annoying arrogance.

“You can't,” Komaeda said, leaning heavily against the window. “That's just impossible.”

“Isn't it only impossible if you say it is?”

“It is.” The more he had to assert that fact, the more he felt like shoving Hinata out the window. Even if it was just two floors up. At least he would break a leg. “You think I haven't tried everything? Don't insult me. It's just how it works, with give and take. There's nothing you can obtain in this world without sacrificing something else. You'll suffer if you stay with me.”

Hinata's eyes narrowed, his own irritation showing. “Then I don't care what happens to me. Let it use me as a lightning rod.”

He didn't have to sound so insistent. Komaeda couldn't believe he'd been anxiously waiting for someone like him to come back. “Do you even know what you're saying? Are you stupid or something?” Weak insults like those sounded fake even to his own ears. Every time he opened his mouth, it felt like there was a totally different set of words that would've been better suited in their place, but there was a lump in his throat that prevented them from coming out.

It wasn't like he didn't know what they were.

Just, if he said it out loud, something bad would probably happen.

“Maybe,” Hinata said, laughing with an uneven smile. “I must be stupid. You're totally awful, right? You're a horrible, miserable person who takes advantage of others and uses every opportunity for his own advantage, so why would I say I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of your happiness?” The gentle light of the moon illuminated the honesty in his expression and chased away any doubt. “I don't know – isn't it obvious?”

To a horrible, miserable person who was only used to using others for his own advantage? No, it hadn't been that obvious, but once Hinata said it so simply, plainly stating its absurdity, Komaeda had no choice but to notice the way Hinata felt about him.

Curling his fingers in the front of Komaeda's hospital gown, Hinata tugged and pulled him forward. Unsure of what to expect from such a sudden gesture, Komaeda's heart went into a panicked frenzy, but it was just getting prematurely excited, as Hinata simply pressed their foreheads together and stayed that way with his hands loosely holding on to him. So, still unsure what to do, Komaeda stayed there like that with him and tried to enjoy his closeness while silently telling himself to calm down.

“Sorry,” Hinata mumbled, his eyes flicking up, meeting Komaeda's directly. “I don't know what I'm doing.”

“It's alright. I was under the assumption that you had no idea what you were doing from the beginning,” Komaeda replied, his lips widening into a grin. That wasn't exactly meant to reassure him, but it made him happy that it got a smile out of Hinata. “I think I know what you had in mind, though.”

Eyes open, he closed the remaining breath of space between them and sealed his lips against Hinata's. He was glad that he kept his eyes open, otherwise he might've missed the look of surprise that entered Hinata's eyes and left as quickly as it took him to blink. Even easier than Komaeda expected, Hinata relaxed into it, pressing back against him to reciprocate, sliding one of his hands over the one Komaeda had between them on the window sill.

As far as kisses went, it wasn't the most interesting, but it was the best. Komaeda couldn't remember ever feeling so happy and it was all because of one simple, chaste kiss on the lips. Looking at it from the surface, it seemed like nothing, but it felt like everything – like it could finally be the solution to all of his problems. For once, at that moment, he felt not a single ounce of despair.

When they eventually parted, he was left feeling slightly dazed, head spinning with a pleasant feeling. “I should've trusted myself. You really, really are the embodiment of hope, Hinata-kun.”

“That sounds like a job with a lot of responsibility,” Hinata mumbled.

Komaeda lightly shook his head. “Don't think of it as work. No matter what you do, you exude hope. You don't even have to lift a finger. Isn't that fantastic? From the moment we met each other on the island, I felt such a calm, peaceful serenity whenever I was around you. That must've been it.”

“Are you sure you aren't just in love with me?”

Everything in front of Komaeda became white for a few seconds.

That shouldn't have been a life-changing revelation, but hearing it said out loud made it feel like an undeniable fact. Whenever he would look at Hinata, his heart would pound and he'd get excited and embarrassed. He blamed that feeling on hope. He thought that he was just happy to have someone he could call a friend, and he was desperate to keep him for that reason, but...

“Ah-...”

Wasn't that... what love was?

“I-I was just teasing you,” Hinata said. “Love and hope are two different things. Probably.”

He sounded about as convincing as a certain lifeless gamer girl. “Okay, well- Wh-what if... Just 'what if', okay? I'm speaking hypothetically here,” Komaeda posed. “What if my hope is your love?”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hinata released a sigh. “I kissed you back, didn't I? How much more obvious do I need to make it before you get it already?” He leaned back and smoothed his other hand over his tie, taking a glance away. “I like you too. Don't let it go to your head.”

“Hi-... Hinata-kun...!”

Don't let it go to his head? How could he _not?_ His night had been spent running the gamut of emotions, so if he wanted to be happy, he was going to be happy. He knew that his feelings could be fickle and he knew that he would have to apologize to Hinata eventually for all the trouble they'd caused, but, for just a while, he wanted everything to remain as simple as it sounded. For the sake of hope, he wanted loving someone and being loved by them to be that easy.

He captured Hinata's lips and pressed against them more insistently than before, successfully catching him off guard. The moment Hinata began to struggle and opened his mouth to take a breath, Komaeda seized his chance and slipped his tongue into his mouth. It was his luck that Hinata didn't accidentally bite his tongue off. His brows were pulled into that sour expression he often had, but he wasn't trying to pull away, so Komaeda accepted that as a sign that he was enjoying it more than he was letting on.

Within seconds, Hinata was pressing back against him, pushing Komaeda's shoulder up against the edge of the window. It wasn't comfortable, but a little pain like that was barely noticeable when his brain was swimming with thoughts of _Hinata-kun, Hinata-kun, Hinata-kun._ It probably looked weird for him to keep his eyes open while he was kissing him, but Komaeda couldn't bring himself to look away, transfixed by Hinata's earnest look of concentration as he was kissing him back. It was so cute.

His tongue was soft. His lips were soft. Komaeda even pulled his hand out from underneath Hinata's to confirm that, yes, his cheek felt soft too. Very quickly, he was becoming obsessed with him all over again, but now in a totally new way. He was already imagining the disappointment he was going to feel at the inevitable moment when Hinata would have to leave him again. If he told him that he could stay by his side, then Komaeda wished that he could physically attach himself to him so that they could never be apart. Because, despite himself, he was willing to finally admit to himself that he was afraid. Everything he felt beneath his fingers was special, and he was afraid of it being taken away from him by his bad luck.

That foolishly naïve-sounding wish of Hinata's... That was what Komaeda wanted too.

Abruptly, Hinata put a hand against his chest to separate them. “...Are you crying again?”

Komaeda hadn't been able to tell. He couldn't rightly tell what he was feeling. Feeling somewhat numb and confused, he rubbed the sleeve covering his left arm over his eyes and shook his head. “Sorry. You know me. I'm not good at anything. I didn't accidentally bite you or anything, did I?”

“Forget it. You must be fine. After all...” He nudged one of his knees between Komaeda's legs and made him yelp. “You're hard. Who gets hard from kissing? Seriously, you're still such a pervert. Gross.”

“Hm? What's that? I might be mistaken, Hinata-kun, but...” Komaeda glanced down at Hinata's lap. “It looks like you're excited too.”

Looking at him with a straight face, Hinata replied, “It can't be helped. Watching you cry gets me turned on.”

Straight face or not, Hinata was still blushing, so Komaeda knew he was forcing a line like that. But still... It was good, especially coming from Hinata's mouth. He must've finally figured out that Komaeda enjoyed it when he teased him. It had to be a sign that Hinata was willing to try new things for his sake even if it took him outside of his comfort zone. Simply, Komaeda felt blessed.

Deciding that they'd come far enough for it to be alright if he crossed a boundary or two, Komaeda reached out and laid his hand over the front of Hinata's pants. “What a predicament we find ourselves in,” he mumbled curiously, glancing up at him as he began to move his hand, lightly grasping him from the outside. “If this is all my fault, then maybe I should take responsibility for it. It would be awfully uncomfortable if you had to leave the room in such a condition.”

“I think I have a better idea.” Leaving no room for him to ask, Hinata grabbed Komaeda's wrist and pulled them away from the window. It was clear that he was still trying to act assertive – and Komaeda knew that he could do it, considering his behavior earlier – but the sweet side of him prevented him from being too forceful. Even when he pushed Komaeda down onto the bed, he looked like he wanted to ask him if he was alright. Inside, Komaeda was silently begging him to treat him more roughly.

Laying on the bed beneath Hinata, his head resting comfortably on the pillow, Komaeda looked up at him with a smile that he felt from deep inside. “If you can truly show me the ultimate hope, Hinata-kun, then every part of me is yours to do with as you please.”

“You'd even let me kill you?”

Komaeda nodded happily. “Of course.”

Hinata looked sad for some reason, though. Or, maybe he was disappointed.

But he smiled just as easily again in the next moment and leaned down to place their lips together, giving him a quick, light kiss. “I'll show it to you, Komaeda. I promise. I'll absolutely show it to you.”

With that, he kissed him again, a little more roughly, grazing Komaeda's bottom lip with his teeth to gain access to his mouth. As he caressed his tongue, holding him pinned between his legs, one of Hinata's hands wandered down Komaeda's body. His fingertips brushed over the front of the thin hospital gown, tickling his skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. Even though he could've easily slipped his hand right underneath the gown, he placed his hand over the fabric first. Whether he was doing that to tease him or to bolster his own confidence, Komaeda wasn't sure, but there were no complaints either way. The forcefulness of his kiss had Komaeda's head spinning pleasantly, so it was hard to think about anything but the warmth of his hands.

All at once, the realization that Hinata was touching him – that _Hinata-kun_ was _touching him_ – really hit him, and it took the air straight from his lungs. Making a helpless sound at the back of his throat, Komaeda put his arms around Hinata's shoulders and moved his hips, rubbing himself against his palm. If he looked like a shameless dog, then that was all his fault too, and he would gladly take responsibility for that as well. Presumably, Hinata knew what he was signing up for, so he wasn't going to hold himself back. For Hinata, he was going to be as 'Komaeda' as he could be.

Wishing that he could do something for him in return, he slid one of his knees up and rubbed between Hinata's legs, pleased when he felt him release a breath against his lips. He did it a little harder, repeating the gesture, encouraging Hinata to start touching him more too. Gasping for a breath, Hinata pressed Komaeda's shoulder into the bed and sat up, moving back slightly to look down at him and the mess they'd already made of each other. After he'd been palming him through the gown for a while, the front of it was already wrinkled and damp, a noticeable dark spot on where Hinata's hand had been.

Hinata appeared to be fairing about the same. His face was flushed, sweat rolling down is neck, his hair looking even more out of array than usual. Hooking a finger in the knot of his tie, he tugged on it to loosen it, then shrugged off his jacket and tossed it back toward the front of the bed.

“What if someone comes in and sees us?” Komaeda asked, his heart hammering with excitement.

“I'm not worried about that,” Hinata said, rubbing Komaeda with the back of his hand, grazing him with his knuckles. “You look like you could come any second now.”

As much as he wanted that moment to go on forever and ever, Komaeda also shamelessly enjoyed the thought of coming too quickly and making himself look like a sticky, disgusting failure in front of Hinata. Just the thought made him moan and lift his hips unconsciously. “Then maybe I should do my best to hold on for you,” he teased.

The thought of being seen bothered Hinata more than he was admitting. The grimace he gave him told him as much.

With a sigh, Hinata tossed his tie over his shoulder and knelt between his legs. He placed a hand on Komaeda's knee, then slowly slid his fingers up his thigh, gradually lifting the edge of the gown. As he did so, Komaeda noticed him raising an eyebrow, so he lifted himself up onto his elbows to have a look at what Hinata was looking at.

“These are... real?” Hinata asked.

“Oh.” He meant the long scars across both of his thighs. Personally, he forgot they were there. “Those aren't what you think. They're a little different. They're a souvenir from a crazy tied to the Future Foundation. Totally my fault, though – just the price I paid when one of my plans went south.”

“One of your 'plans', huh...” Hinata traced his fingers over the long horizontal scars, from the inside of his thigh to the outside. He frowned again. “I have the feeling I'll sound gross like you if I say how hot these are...”

A grin slapped Komaeda across the face. “Wow, you really said it. So you're into scars and stuff? I bet you really just wanna mess me up. I'm okay with that, you know. Mess me up to your heart's content. You can do anything you want.” All kinds of dangerous ideas popped into his head and he almost blacked out from how turned on he felt. “Hey, how'd you feel when you saw my mutilated body? Did you get hard then too?”

Hinata blanched. “You were dead! Of course I didn't!”

“But you felt... _something_ , right?” Anything, as long as he said it wasn't boring.

Face tight, Hinata leaned over him and kissed him again. “O-of course I did...” he muttered. “I already said so, didn't I?”

Komaeda got the feeling he accidentally struck a nerve. He was worthless and didn't know how to control himself well when talking to other people, so that was bound to happen. On the bright side, Hinata didn't reprimand him for that, even though he could've. It was totally in his right. Instead, when Komaeda looked back at him, he found Hinata looking at him with a look fond enough to make his heart stop for a second or two.

“Komaeda...”

With Hinata's next kiss, Komaeda found himself staring at the ceiling, his mind a blank. There was just one thought that slowly snuck inside his head, though it was more of a feeling.

The darkened room, the gentle, fragrant scent of the lilies, the warmth of Hinata's weight on top of him, the pressure of his lips... All of that combined together into a perfect feeling of peacefulness. His body felt weightless. His dirty, rusted heart was sparkling and flying away.

Unsure of what to do with such a feeling, all he could do was wrap his arms around Hinata's shoulders, right hand grabbing his left elbow to form a lock. Even to himself, the way he kissed Hinata back felt uncharacteristically gentle. His heart had always been bleeding with that kind of tenderness, but after it bled out for years, he'd thought he wasn't capable of showing it. He truly... wanted Hinata to mess him up. He wanted him to break him, to destroy him, to shatter every piece of him until he became unrecognizable – until he was someone new. Hinata could do it.

He saw stars when Hinata finally slipped his hand beneath the gown and wrapped his fingers around him. Hospitals made him feel anxious, but if there was one advantage to the arrangement, it was the fact that his present dress put less restriction in their way. On the other hand, ironically speaking, it was going to be a little more difficult to help Hinata off with his belt if he only had one hand to offer...

“You too,” Komaeda mumbled, biting at Hinata's lower lip to get him to listen.

“Fine, fine.” After letting his hand linger for a little longer, dragging his lips down Komaeda's jaw, Hinata sat back and moved his hands to his belt. Before he made it any farther, he stopped, his eyes on Komaeda's disheveled appearance. His face was so easy to read, it made Komaeda laugh, and hearing him laugh spurred Hinata to work at the fastenings more quickly.

Once Hinata's belt was undone, his pants unzipped, Komaeda sat up slightly and reached out to run the back of his fingers over the front of Hinata's blue underwear, the material straining around his arousal. “Hm, you know... I was out for a long time, wasn't I? I'm going to need some new clothes. I might consider investing in a skirt or two if seeing my thighs gets you this hard.”

“Wh- Wha...?”

Lifting his hand, he pressed against Hinata's chest and pushed him backwards to lay with his head toward the foot of the bed. Straddling his legs, Komaeda sat himself over his lap and rubbed his ass against his cock as he fiddled with the tie at the side of the gown that kept it together. After a few seconds of fumbling, he got it free and pushed it open, exposing his chest and stomach.

One glance at himself told Komaeda that he must've been out for even longer than he thought. He was looking a lot thinner than usual. All the scars he remembered were still there, along with a few he'd forgotten about as well. The sight of them had the sort of effect he'd been hoping for; Hinata took in a sharp breath and brought up his hips, rubbing against him.

“I'd be honored if you put one or two of your own here,” Komaeda told him, placing his fingers over the left side of his chest.

Holding his lip between his teeth, looking like he was trying very hard not to say anything that he would embarrass himself with, Hinata reached out with his fingers quivering and grabbed Komaeda's sides. A small shiver ran its way up Komaeda's back at the slightly cold touch of his fingers, feeling sensitive and ticklish at the same time. He chose to shut himself up in a different way by leaning down to kiss Hinata again.

As their tongues rolled against each other, Hinata's hands slid along his sides, rubbing in a way that almost seemed aimless if Komaeda didn't know better. Hinata was watching him, carefully observing and paying attention to his reactions like some kind of human sponge. His touch gradually went lower and he slipped a hand between them to finally push his pants down his thighs enough to free his cock. Kissing Komaeda aggressively, he took them both into one hand and rubbed them together, the movement of his hand made easy by how much they were already dripping.

After fooling around first, the payoff was even sweeter than Komaeda expected. His body was on fire, and... just like Hinata accused earlier, he felt like he was already on the brink of coming. Unable to help himself, he buried his face against Hinata's shoulder, breathing heavily, and rolled his hips, rubbing his cock against Hinata's. His hand was free, but he didn't even know what to do with it, so he just clutched the sheets next to Hinata's head and moaned, becoming more and more shameless with the sounds he let out as Hinata's strokes became quicker. Someone had to be able to hear them.

“Hinata-kun, I'm... You were right,” Komaeda said, feeling his own hot breath as he huffed against Hinata's neck. “I'm totally worthless. I won't last much longer like this. Are you mad? Are you going to punish me?”

Mouth agape, staring for a second, Hinata shook his head, eyes closed in mild irritation. “You'd love that, wouldn't you? I'll save that for some other time, how about that?”

Komaeda whined. “Hm... _Fine._ I'll have something to look forward to. I'm going to mark that one down in my brain as a promise, so you better follow through.”

Hinata tossed his head back and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “What the hell have I gotten myself into...?”

“Something you aren't getting out of,” Komaeda replied, grinning broadly as he gave Hinata another direct kiss and moved his hand between them to join his. “All of me is devoted to you now. This is a permanent arrangement – it's stated in the fine print. The only thing I won't let you do is get rid of me. Aren't you lucky?”

That... didn't seem to bother him.

The fingers of Hinata's other hand curled in Komaeda's hair, pulling tight, and pulled him down into another crushing kiss. Struggling against him, Komaeda gasped against his lips, trying to speak. The feeling of Hinata's cock, wet and hot, was burning him up and the thought that just came to him was about to make him go crazy. “Hi-Hinata-kun, wai-” He groaned loudly, Hinata's tongue stifling his words. “You-!”

That thought sealed the deal for good.

He'd do anything Hinata wanted of him. He'd betray anyone for him. He'd lay himself in any position he wanted. He'd even join the Future Foundation with him if he asked him to.

In that fine print, he realized, there was written only one restriction: he couldn't die. Because if he died, then...

His thoughts got short-circuited when Hinata tightened his grip around them, squeezing more than stroking in a way that struck Komaeda as possessive. It sent him over the edge, shuddering and sobbing Hinata's name into his shoulder. While the shivers were still working their way down his body, the embers of pleasure still burning strongly, Komaeda picked up the slack and stroked Hinata with his slick, cum-soaked palm. In seconds, Hinata was clutching his arms and holding back a moan as he came, adding to the mess between them.

Even after he was finished, Komaeda continued to stroke him for a little longer just to watch the way it made Hinata's face twist when it started becoming too much for him. Feeling satisfied, he released him. Sitting back on his knees, he caught Hinata's eyes and made sure he was watching as he licked a line straight across his palm.

He stared at his hand in disappointment. “Hm. I knew it wouldn't be sweet, but I was kind of hoping, you know?”

“Of course it wouldn't be,” Hinata groaned. Rolling onto his side, he pushed himself up and got off the bed to get some tissues from nearby. After he cleaned himself up and fixed his pants, he was kind enough to extend a hand to Komaeda.

Komaeda came closer as requested and gave him his hand and let Hinata clean him up. He felt a little surprised by the gesture, but it wasn't all that surprising, considering what he had realized a moment earlier.

“A worthless Reserve Course student like you wants to be useful to someone worthless like me... who wants to be useful to you.” He glanced up, ashamed of how childishly bashful he felt.

“I may not be as useless as you thought anymore, but I find it hard to escape that feeling. Sometimes it's still hard for me to figure out who I am, but I think that's me – the type who will never stop trying to be useful.” Letting go of his hand, Hinata went to work on Komaeda's hospital gown, pulling the front together, tying it at the side for him. “I hope you don't mind being stuck in that kind of annoying circle,” he said, eyes shining mischievously.

“That's...” Komaeda hugged himself, feeling another shiver all throughout his body. “A cycle of continually seeking greater satisfaction together with someone... That's... truly a thought to inspire hope...!”

“You're drooling.”

“Eheheh, whoops,” Komaeda laughed, cleaning the corner of his mouth with his sleeve.

For the moment, feeling completely content in a way that he never had before, he tossed himself back onto the bed, spreading out his arms, his head falling just shy of the pillow. If he wanted to satisfy Hinata and Hinata wanted to satisfy him, then neither of them would have the luxury of pondering death. It wasn't like he ever feared death – that hadn't changed; everything in life was meaningless, after all.

But, finally, there was something else that stood in front of him and begged him to live. It wasn't like the fleeting glimpses of hope he would've easily given himself up for in the past. It was something warm and real that he could touch.

A reason for living... Even if it was just for the sake of another person.

As Hinata pulled on his jacket, looking ready to head out again, Komaeda rolled onto his side to watch him. “Hey, Hinata-kun, you said you don't understand me, but... It felt like we just merged there for a bit, don't you think?”

“Exactly. But I don't know what's going on inside your head, so when we cross over like that, I don't know how to explain it – and I don't plan on trying to figure it out, either. I think it's fine the way it is.” He smiled. “'Don't fix it if it's not broken'.”

Thinking to himself, Komaeda tapped his fingers against the sheets. “Makes sense. What just happened now – that was you getting caught up in my pace, wasn't it?”

“D-don't think too hard about it.”

So he was right.

That sounded enough like an order to him, though, so he wasn't going to question it. Some things would probably be easier if they were left unquestioned. He would fight against the curse of his analytical mind and resist the urge to dissect their relationship before he stripped it of its magic.

As Hinata was on his way out the door, Komaeda decided to indulge himself one more time.

“Hinata-kun.”

Hand frozen on the door knob, Hinata stopped and turned around to look at him. That was all Komaeda wanted – just to know that he would listen, that he'd wait for him, that he heard him.

With a smile, Komaeda waved to him; a silent goodbye until next time.

True to his own word, Hinata didn't question what any of that meant. He gave him a somewhat exasperated yet amused look in return and made his exit.

Some time after he'd gone and the silence settled in around him, Komaeda sat up in the bed. Facing the wall, he thought about the beach.

He really wanted to see what their footprints would look like next to each other.


End file.
